Tag: Pain

The Second Arrow: Leadership and the Art of Self-Compassion

June 3, 2015 / / 0 Comments

two arrows

The first arrow strikes unexpectedly.

A project derailed.

A coworker lies.

A promotion missed.

We feel pain.

 

This type suffering is the nature of life.

The reality we cannot control despite our best efforts.

 

Then the second arrow arrives.

I should have done more.

How did I not see this coming?

I am a failure.

We turn our pain into shame, guilt, regret, self-aversion, bitterness or worse.

 

The first arrow is temporary.

We cannot change the nature of the event or the suffering it creates.

This hurt is real and it needs tending.

It needs compassion and clarity of mind.

This wound will heal with time and care.

 

The second arrow is self-inflicted.

It goes deeper, tears at our well-being and our confidence.

Our suffering is multiplied.

Our mind is closed.

This wound will not heal without our awareness and our willingness to remove the arrow.

 

Every leader experiences these arrows. How we respond will have real consequences for our effectiveness.

When the first arrow arrives we have a choice.

  • We can accept the difficulty for what it is and allow ourselves to feel the associated emotions and pain.
  • We can be present with and attend to those feelings.
  • We can offer ourselves compassion.
  • We can speak words of support and healing to our hearts as would a good friend.
  • We can allow others to come alongside and help us see the truth about ourselves and the situation.

This allows us to open up to possibilities, next steps, and potential solutions. We can decide how to respond and move beyond the arrow to resolution. The fallout may not be complete, but our mind and heart will be better prepared to take appropriate actions that serve ourselves and the greater good. The wound can begin to heal.

When we learn to support ourselves in this manner and to be a source of our own healing and recovery from the suffering life inevitably brings, we also develop the capacity to help others with their own arrows. Because we can offer love to ourselves, we have love to give when others are hurting. We have more capacity to build deep connections and relationships.

More often than not however the second arrow arrives without our conscious awareness. Our inner dialog is a good signal. We may be speaking mental words to or about ourselves that we would never use with another person or in giving feedback to a co-worker.

If we allow this line of thinking to go on unabated our imaginations will conjure up stories to support the negative self-talk. This cycle can expand the impact of the first arrow giving it far greater effect than it would have had were it not driven deeper by the second arrow.

We can reach a point where the pain becomes so great we can hardly focus on anything else. We forget all the good we have done and our sense of gratitude is buried in self-pity. Our minds chase someone or something to blame, our thoughts are clouded by emotion and we are no longer mindful of our actions.

In this state of being we are no longer capable of serving effectively nor are we providing the kind of influence that good leadership demands.

Every difficult experience brings a choice.

One arrow or two…

 

“Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself?”
— Tao Te Ching

More on the second arrow by Tara Brach

In the book Energize Your Leadership, I share a chapter that describes one of my early experiences with self-love and how it impacted my leadership. There are a number of moving and inspiring stories by 16 great leaders in the book. I invite you to check it out.

Please share your thoughts and stories.

 

 

 

 

Making space for pain…

April 26, 2015 / / 2 Comments
sadness

 

There’s this thing that happens at work that I find to be unnatural and unhealthy. We experience it as the pressure to be OK all the time. That no matter what’s going on, when we come to work, we should have our happy face on. We should leave the rest of our life and our inner struggles at the door. After all, there is work to do. We’ve got to make a good impression. The boss is watching.

“Don’t let your personal life affect your work.”

We’ve all heard those words at one time or another.

But we aren’t OK. At least not all the time. Sometimes we are really not OK. There are days we are barely hanging on. Whether it’s our health or relationships or finances or just some stuff that has come up, we are hurting, struggling, aching. The thought of the next meeting is enough to push us over the edge, yet, there is no room for our pain. Not here. Not in the office. We learn to compartmentalize our lives and hide our suffering. The pressure to perform forces us to bottle up our emotions and puts even greater strain on an already difficult situation.

It’s as if somehow, because we are bartering the brief hours of our life in exchange for financial compensation, we must automate our thinking and stuff our pain neatly away in a filing cabinet until we return to a place where we can be ourselves. Dealing with the difficulties of being human isn’t permitted on company time.

Wait, is it really that bad?

It’s unlikely that all organizations dehumanize work completely or don’t offer resources to help employees who are struggling with personal difficulties. Many are caring enough to offer a 1-800 number and an EAP program. One could debate whether these resources are offered out of genuine concern or simply out of a desire to keep people working, but they do provide some acknowledgment that these difficulties matter.

To build on this thought, there are no doubt companies, teams, divisions, etc. that have evolved their thinking about work to include the whole person. They have embraced the idea that the workplace can also serve as a supportive community. A place where we don’t have to pretend everything is OK and the work will still get done. These examples, in my experience, are rare.

This is not a suggestion that everyone bring their problems to work and dump them on the team or that leaders become therapists.

The point is that we who are leaders have the opportunity to create a workplace that is both highly functional and deeply caring. We can give people permission to deal with their suffering and offer time and space for them to recover and process their pain. We can listen and be compassionate while maintaining appropriate boundaries. We can share our own stories and let people know us and that we struggle too. The environment we create at work can be a sanctuary of support rather than a prison of isolation.

We can build a community where people feel safe to take off the mask and know that they have people around them who care and who are rooting for them when things are tough. We don’t know if the support they receive at work is the only source of encouragement they have in their life at the time. When people are part of a caring community they ultimately pay it forward to their teammates, to customers and in their daily work.

The pain will come out one way or another. Why not meet it with love, empathy, and compassion?

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