The reality is that no matter how self-aware we intend to be, we can never truly see ourselves or fully comprehend the source of our behaviors and the consequences of our actions. We have been shaped by society, our ideologies, our relationships, and our childhood so that we inevitably develop blind spots. These blind spots can put us in danger of making poor decisions, misinterpreting events and unintentionally sabotaging our goals. It is not enough to be aware of our blind spots, we must take proactive steps to expose them even when doing so proves difficult and uncomfortable.

We value our reasonable friends.

Naturally we are drawn to people who think like we do, who are share similar ideas and values. In other words, we like people who like us and are like us. If there are differences of opinion they lie on the fringes. We’re debating the color of the tablecloth, not whether dinner should be served at all. These friends serve to reinforce who we already are, for better and worse. This encouragement is valuable, but it can also be dangerous.

These “safe” friends often end up in our inner circle, forming what is more or less a mutual admiration society. Groups of like-minded people can shape all sorts of wonderful ideas that are pretty much…alike. Fear of losing the feel-good status of the group can lead to any real concerns or differences of opinion, if they exist, being shut down before they ever see the light of day.

We need unreasonable friends.

An unreasonable friend is that person who will push us out of our comfort zone. The person who will call us on our rationalizations, compromises, and self-serving behavior because we trust them and we’ve asked them to tell it like they see it. They experience the world differently than we do and they provide a perspective we otherwise could not see.

• Unreasonable friends don’t come naturally. We may have to overcome our own bias or fear to engage a person to become our unreasonable friend. We may have to turn to someone who we would not otherwise choose based on personality or things we have in common. That takes courage and intention. It takes being vulnerable.
• Unreasonable friends provide a compassionate reality check. The key word here is “friends”. There are people who are unreasonable with an intent to hurt or make things difficult. Unreasonable friends have our best interest in mind. It will take some time to build a level of trust and experience that allows the relationship to reach its potential.
• Unreasonable friends need unreasonable friends. To be a healthy, unreasonable friend we must realize that we too are flawed in our ability to see clearly. In the ideal scenario, these relationships become mutually beneficial. The opportunity to serve one another at this level will create some of our deepest and most valuable relationships.

Without someone in our lives who will tell us what they see, even when it hurts, we will only know what we see from the inside which will never be the complete story.

Questions to consider:

Do you have an unreasonable friend in your life? What difference has this made for you?

In some of your more recent challenges how might an unreasonable friend have helped you?

What would you look for in an unreasonable friend?