The first arrow strikes unexpectedly.
A project derailed.
A coworker lies.
A promotion missed.
We feel pain.
This type suffering is the nature of life.
The reality we cannot control despite our best efforts.
Then the second arrow arrives.
I should have done more.
How did I not see this coming?
I am a failure.
We turn our pain into shame, guilt, regret, self-aversion, bitterness or worse.
The first arrow is temporary.
We cannot change the nature of the event or the suffering it creates.
This hurt is real and it needs tending.
It needs compassion and clarity of mind.
This wound will heal with time and care.
The second arrow is self-inflicted.
It goes deeper, tears at our well-being and our confidence.
Our suffering is multiplied.
Our mind is closed.
This wound will not heal without our awareness and our willingness to remove the arrow.
Every leader experiences these arrows. How we respond will have real consequences for our effectiveness.
When the first arrow arrives we have a choice.
- We can accept the difficulty for what it is and allow ourselves to feel the associated emotions and pain.
- We can be present with and attend to those feelings.
- We can offer ourselves compassion.
- We can speak words of support and healing to our hearts as would a good friend.
- We can allow others to come alongside and help us see the truth about ourselves and the situation.
This allows us to open up to possibilities, next steps, and potential solutions. We can decide how to respond and move beyond the arrow to resolution. The fallout may not be complete, but our mind and heart will be better prepared to take appropriate actions that serve ourselves and the greater good. The wound can begin to heal.
When we learn to support ourselves in this manner and to be a source of our own healing and recovery from the suffering life inevitably brings, we also develop the capacity to help others with their own arrows. Because we can offer love to ourselves, we have love to give when others are hurting. We have more capacity to build deep connections and relationships.
More often than not however the second arrow arrives without our conscious awareness. Our inner dialog is a good signal. We may be speaking mental words to or about ourselves that we would never use with another person or in giving feedback to a co-worker.
If we allow this line of thinking to go on unabated our imaginations will conjure up stories to support the negative self-talk. This cycle can expand the impact of the first arrow giving it far greater effect than it would have had were it not driven deeper by the second arrow.
We can reach a point where the pain becomes so great we can hardly focus on anything else. We forget all the good we have done and our sense of gratitude is buried in self-pity. Our minds chase someone or something to blame, our thoughts are clouded by emotion and we are no longer mindful of our actions.
In this state of being we are no longer capable of serving effectively nor are we providing the kind of influence that good leadership demands.
Every difficult experience brings a choice.
One arrow or two…
“Do you have the patience to wait until your mud settles and the water is clear? Can you remain unmoving until the right action arises by itself?”
— Tao Te Ching
More on the second arrow by Tara Brach
In the book Energize Your Leadership, I share a chapter that describes one of my early experiences with self-love and how it impacted my leadership. There are a number of moving and inspiring stories by 16 great leaders in the book. I invite you to check it out.
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