“An attachment isn’t a fact. It is a belief…” ~ Anthony De Mello
Let go.
This line of thinking is counter-intuitive. Our instinct is to hold on, to protect, to become attached, to expect. The more we attach ourselves to expectations, people or things the more anxiety we create and the less effective we become.
So why do we “hold on” in unhealthy ways? As leaders, we believe we are responsible for what happens in the organization. And because we hold this belief we are afraid. If the outcome is not what we desire, or think others expect, we will have failed. We will not have lived up to the reputation and titles we have worked so hard to achieve or perhaps to some standard we internalized earlier in life. To protect ourselves we micro-manage, manipulate others and view a negative event or unflattering comment as an attack on our professional identity. We even become attached to the label of “the leader”.
This mindset ultimately leads to frustration and conflict. We might come to view people as barriers, means to fulfilling our goals, or as irritations that interrupt our more important tasks. Our vision becomes clouded and we can no longer see the true context of each situation. We begin to direct our actions toward the goal of protecting our interests and our reputation rather than serving the best interest of the people and mission. This can become a habitual, almost mindless strategy of self-protective behavior, and it leads to suffering.
When we let go we are free to enjoy the experience of leadership and to bring our best to every situation without the burden of attachments and expectations. We can practice leadership and continue to learn with the freedom of knowing that none of this was ever really ours to possess. We can learn to see the situation in front of us for what it is and nothing else. In this way, we open to learning and giving others the space they need to grow. This is by no means Laissez-faire leadership. Accountability, vision, values, influence, etc., still apply. Only now, they can be expressed free of a personal agenda grounded in fear and scarcity.
Let go of…
Control – You don’t really have it anyway. If you think you are in control rest assured that circumstances will conspire to teach you otherwise.
Outcomes – Allow things to unfold differently than you imagined. The way you see the outcome determines what it will mean to you, not the outcome itself.
Fear – When you are afraid, you project thoughts, attitudes and beliefs onto people and situations creating serious leadership blind spots.
Knowing – When you let go of knowing you create room for learning. Otherwise, you are stuck.
Proving – Trying to prove to someone else that you are “worthy” or that you deserve “respect” is a bottomless pit.
Achieving – Who you are becoming is more important than what you are achieving. Be then do.
Importance – Needing people to need you is not healthy. It leads to creating problems that only you can solve. Less you more them.
Comparison - Be true to yourself and stick to the path your heart has given you. Your journey is unique.
and…
Hold on to love.
Leadership grounded in love produces an enduring value that lives in your heart and not on your résumé.
True love inspires freedom, not possession.
A few years ago I struggled through a difficult transition that forced me to consider my leadership attachments. I spent five years working with an amazing team of people. We developed a very close community and, over time, built a wonderful work environment and culture. Everything seemed to be coming together and then, without warning, it all came to an end. It was very hard to walk away. I was angry and very bitter. This was “my” story and “my” dream…how could this happen to “me”. You see the connection here I’m sure. I realized I was holding on. I was making it about me. I was deeply attached to the way things “should” have turned out. Later I realized that while things came to an end sooner than I had hoped, the journey we had taken together, the experiences we shared, the love we had for each other and for the people we served were enough. These things could not be taken away because they never belonged to any of us. So I let go. Now I am filled with gratitude for the experience.
When you let go you are free. Free to see and to act without filters. Difficulties will arise, celebrations will erupt, titles and people will come and go…and you will have gleaned the most you could from every moment and created experiences that will change you and the people you serve. Pay attention to the things you hold onto in your leadership. The things that bind you. Look at them unflinchingly and see them for what they are. Then let them go.
“A dawn carrying disappointment is a dawn deceived – in its very nature dawn is free of expectation as it has yet to see the day it brings. Daybreak has no control over what it will draw out of the world each morning and it has no recollection of yesterday. In this beauty made anew each time it crosses a horizon, is a peace unknown outside of fresh awe at the wonder of beginnings. Dawn does not lend itself to dependence or an illusion of control. As it should be, the dawn only attaches itself to its purposeful design. None in the day can bring the dawn. Nothing in the night can impede its coming. The most hopeful among creation, as we should be, it never fails to let all things be as they will be.” - Emily Mabry (my daughter)
More on letting go from Zen Habits.
May 20, 2015 at 10:18 am
As somebody who is about to become a manager for the first time, I really enjoyed reading this article. What is most daunting about managing for me is thinking I need to be accountable for somebody else when I actually have no control over how that person will perform. I tend to be a control-freak anyway…thanks for posting this. I’m going to bookmark it for future use!
May 20, 2015 at 11:57 am
Thank you Mina. So glad you found this topic helpful. I remember moving into management the first time. The first book I read was something like… “How to Avoid the 25 Most Common Management Mistakes”. Needless to say, it instilled me with more fear than freedom. Establishing a balanced view as you take on this important responsibility will definitely serve you well in the long run.
May 20, 2015 at 1:32 pm
This post popped up in my inbox on the perfect day. I have been thinking about seriously exploring the idea of moving my team toward a more holacratic org structure for a while but I haven’t done anything about it. You provided some needed inspiration and encouragement. Thank you!
May 20, 2015 at 1:58 pm
Wow, Rebecca. That sounds like a great adventure! I’d love to hear more about your vision. Stepping into a challenge like that will certainly test your willingness to let go of the outcome being exactly what you hoped and your capacity to accept the reality that not everyone will “get it”. Yet, what stories you will have to tell and isn’t that what life is all about? I wish you the best on your journey.
May 20, 2015 at 8:31 pm
Scott, so glad I found this blog today from the Leadership Briefings. I’m writing my final self-evaluation for clinical pastoral education and letting go of “importance” is resonating for me. As someone who has written about spirit in the workplace, I’m glad to find your blog.
May 21, 2015 at 7:18 am
Thank you, Audrey. If you can point me to any of your writing on the topic of “spirit in the workplace”, I’d love to check it out and share. I’m glad this post came at a good time in your journey. Wish you the best on your project.
May 21, 2015 at 5:24 pm
I have it that attachments arise out of a lack of completion. When I declare that I am complete (not finished but complete) with something I have been committed to, I can let go of any and all attachments that may be lingering in the background. Great article!
May 21, 2015 at 7:05 pm
Thanks, Jerry. That sense of enough can be very helpful. I find sometimes the thing I committed to doesn’t turn out the way I hoped, but accepting that life sometimes works that way helps me to accept it as …complete. It manifested the way it was intended.
May 22, 2015 at 12:04 am
Detached Leadership has its own rewards. So long as you do not come out of the feeling of possession, disappointments are sure to happen. While being firmly in control set the path and leave the rest to your team. Show them the way forward and step back.
May 22, 2015 at 10:43 am
Thanks for your comment. I really like that last statement…show the way forward then step back. Nicely said.
May 22, 2015 at 2:15 am
Very succinctly put. My mind went back to the many such negative feelings that I have had all through my career…somehow, anything we have done is not just good enough. From childhood we are taught to live for others putting ourselves last. Self criticism, then becomes a habit. Thank you for the article…you just helped me take the load off my back.
May 22, 2015 at 10:44 am
So glad the message helped you think about the way you have experienced work. Thanks for sharing.
May 26, 2015 at 7:42 pm
I try to read every article on motivation and leadership I see via LinkedIn and this is one of the very best I’ve read. Very wise. Thanks so much!
May 26, 2015 at 10:29 pm
Thank you very much, Bill. I’m glad you found it helpful.
May 27, 2015 at 7:36 am
I was in a leadership position for three years with a team that I truly enjoyed working with. It, too, came to an abrupt end. That was a little over a year ago. It took me almost a full year to “let go” of that disappointment. However, I can honestly say today that I am grateful for the place I am.
May 27, 2015 at 10:41 am
Thank you for sharing your story. It can be hard to let go of those special experiences in life. Learning to appreciate the impermanence of our experiences and be present for them while they last can free us to enjoy them without holding on. When they pass we can mourn the loss and learn to find new ways to appreciate where the journey takes us next.
May 27, 2015 at 9:37 pm
Great read. Awesome concept to explore in life and leadership.
May 27, 2015 at 9:46 pm
Thank you, Suzanne. I’m glad you appreciate the topic. Seems pretty important to integrate our lives and our work in a positive way don’t you think?