Fear is the unseen hand that influences almost everything we do.

It is present in every relationship.

It intervenes in every decision.

It responds to every event.

It assumes every intent.

We’re wired for fear.

And we don’t like to talk about it.

That sounds pretty dramatic, but I’m really just setting the context. Our minds are designed to protect us. In every situation we experience, the brain is on the look-out for anything that might present a physical, emotional or personal risk.

Depending on the beliefs we have developed about the world, and ourselves, the fear voice may be more or less intense, but it will be there nonetheless. When you think about it, there are many scenarios, every day, in our lives and in our role as a leader, that can trigger a fear response.

Fear of rejection

Fear of judgment

Fear of failure

Fear of loss

Fear of being exposed

To name a few.

You may be familiar with the natural responses to fear.

Fight

Flight

Freeze

There really is no way to avoid this natural fear response and, paradoxically, any effort to refuse, reject or run from our fears is likely to give them more, not less power over our lives.

If we are unaware of the influence our fear is having on our choices and actions, or fail to respond appropriately, the impact will be significant.

We lose access to our intelligence.

We lose access to our creativity.

We lose access to spontaneity.

We lose access to our heart.

We become limited to protective, reactive and impulsive responses versus skillful, informed and thoughtful choices. These conscious or unconscious choices can derail our leadership, our ability to influence and the trust we have worked so hard to cultivate.

They inspire controlling, manipulating and avoidance behaviors, none of which will result in the types of outcomes we truly desire. In fact, they will likely generate more of the scenarios that we intended to avoid in the first place.

So what are we to do?

Only by accepting and embracing our fears can we move beyond them and make new options available and, therefore, possible. You’ve probably heard this before, but what does it look like?

It looks like acceptance instead of avoidance.

It looks like compassion instead of judgment.

It looks like connection instead isolation.

It looks like expanding instead of contracting.

It looks like curiosity instead of control.

In simplest terms, we make a friend of our fear. We expect this visitor and we invite them to sit down and talk. We empathize with this friend, hearing their concerns and offering alternatives while affirming their desire to help, to protect us. We listen compassionately to the fear story, but we don’t make it our story.

Instead of rejecting this part of ourselves we learn to let it serve us while we develop the strength to respond proactively and effectively. We tune into resources that are bigger than our fear such as our faith, our community, our beliefs, and values. We recognize that love is always available, even when we’re scared.

And if some of our fears come to fruition, we are better prepared to accept the outcome knowing we made the best choice we could with the resources available to us and so we learn from the experience move on. We appreciate that life is unpredictable and that pain is unavoidable if we are going to move into the world and try to make a difference.

What is your relationship with fear? How does this influence your leadership? Your relationships?

Please share.

“If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself, but to your estimate of it; and this you have the power to revoke at any moment.” - Marcus Aurelius

(Credit to Tara Brach on a recent podcast, Beyond the Fear Body, for providing the inspiration for and a few of the points outlined in this post)